Let's Get Intimate

Musical update: Trisha has informed me that she would not like to try to work with me while she is being distracted the the production she is currently directing, As You Like It (but like. cool). We're going to reconvene halfway through November. I feel like I might be sad about that, but I also feel happy that she is doing what's best for us and giving me her respect by devoting all of her energy to me once she can. More updates coming in turkey month, I suppose.

So let's get intimate. Trisha Todd's first assignment of the year in Writing For The Arts is the forebodingly titled Intimacy Questions. It was a really difficult assignment and I'm so glad I had to do it. Out of 46 questions, here are the ones I really liked, along with my answers.

1. What is the meaning of life?

The meaning of life for me is creation. A life lived where the world looks the same before as after is pointless. The act of creating something is fulfilling and holy and the second step from existing, which is a passive act. When I create something it reaffirms that I am a person with free will instead of an object.

6. What would you never do?

I would never stay the same. Nothing sounds worse to me than fast-forwarding ten years to see myself as the same person. I don’t ever want to look back and think about all my missed opportunities. I want to look back and regret the things I did do, not the things I didn’t, because I know the things I regret doing will only happen once, but the opportunities I didn’t take will always haunt me.

9. What do you look for in a person?

I have this whole list of requirements that people have to fit to be on “my team” (attributes like Helpful, Productive, Open-Minded, Independent, Reasonable) but when it really comes down to it the deciding factor is kindness. I choose my allies with the make-or-break question being whether they respect fellow humans and apologize. A person unwilling to admit that they were wrong is my least favorite person, and my least favorite side of myself.

10. What is your relationship with animals?

I have a difficult relationship with animals. I used to scoff at vegetarians for being pompous, but recently I’ve actually completely switched sides onto total support for vegetarianism but haven’t been able to make the change myself. I believe that humans are meant to eat animals but the way that meat is made in factories is terrible and inhumane. I have no qualms eating a pig that lived on a farm and ate real grass and was named Maaco but sadly the availability of that kind of meat is almost nonexistent. So in theory, I’m all with giving up meat forever. I know it sounds lazy, but the society I live in makes vegetarian too hard for me. Meat is just too yummy. Maybe someday I’ll switch but for now I bite off the hamburger and try to think about things other than murder.

12. How satisfied are you with your sexuality?

I would say I am satisfied. I spent a lot of time last year having sex because it made me feel mature and in control. I think I’m over that but it was important for my understanding of myself. Other people seem to think that my sexual orientation is a bigger part of me than it really is. The only part of that that even a little defines me is my experience with oppression and stereotypes and it gives me better empathy for people in oppressed groups that I am not a part of. Right now I have a smart, kind, and sexy boyfriend and that is working out very well physically.

13. What are your regrets?

I always wish that I had accomplished more. More, in a better quality, and at a faster rate. I think half of me also knows that my accomplishments thus far are awesome, but I seem to be really good at looking back and only seeing the should-haves and the why-didn’t-Is. I’d like to gauge my progress on a scale of the best I possibly could have done to the worst I possibly could have done, but that type of computing is sadly beyond this realm. Maybe whatever I’ve accomplished so far actually is the best of all possible worlds but of course I wish I could have done more. I do often think about what my mark would be were I to die today, which is strangely a super effective motivational tool.

16. How do you value money?

I don’t know how I value money. I have a recurring thought (laced with arrogance and selfishness, but painfully prevalent) that I have more of a right to be rich than other people and that the world will give me wealth simply because I am the most qualified for such a situation and I will use money more effectively and justly than everyone else. I guess this isn’t true but it certainly would be nice. I have a dream of having a job that I am passionate about and being good at it to the point of admiration and riches but I’d like to be a composer, so my mom tells me that’s not a realistic goal.

19. By what force are you neglected/oppressed/misunderstood?

I feel neglected by the school system. I guess I think I’m pretty different from most people in my thought processes and ideas (even though we all think that). The way children are supposed to learn is good in theory, but the truth is that everyone’s brain functions at a drastically different wavelength and pace and expecting every child in the country to learn the same thing in the same way at the same time is a fantasy. I feel oppressed by that system and I feel oppressed on behalf of students who are much more isolated and neglected by schools than me. School isn’t even about learning anymore. It’s a game.

21. What do you look for in a teacher?

I need my teachers to be smarter than me. No bullshit, I’m pretty smart. After ice skating through elementary school as the smartest adult in all my classes I learned what it meant to be truly taught something in middle school. My “core” teacher was a sassy and playful guy who really knew what he was talking about and outsmarted me at every turn. I never corrected his spelling on the board once in three years ( the only. teacher to ever accomplish that). It was threatening and exciting. Since then, I’ve have a small handful of teachers who I consider to be on my level, almost none of them from school (no surprise), and I find that by far to be the best. I love my teachers who tell me when I’m wrong (or, the real feat, ever seeing me be wrong) because I love to grow.

24. How do you want to die?

I don’t want to live to be 80. Once I stop being productive, that’s all folks. I will NOT be useless as any point of my life. I don’t know why “happy suicide” is not a thing that exists, but I will darn well invent it. Suicide shouldn’t be illegal in the circumstance that I am going to use it: My creating days are over and I’ve had a genuinely happy life, so I want to end it while I’m still golden. Anyway, there’s more fame if you die while you’re still a big name.

31. Who/what do you wage war against?

I wage war against art erasure. I will fight until I live in a world that values arts and sports equally (at least), and every city has a public arts-focused middle and high school. Exposure to the arts at a young age makes more cultured, creative, open-minded, confident, and smart individuals. It teaches us empathy. Art is vitally important and I wage war against anyone who disagrees.

36. What do you fear?

I fear not reaching my full potential. I am certain my dying regret will be that I didn’t maximize the usage of my resources to create. I am obsessed with thinking about my stain on the world and how far along I could be right now if I had only played my cards a little smarter. I wish that everything I am capable of creating, I do.

39. How do you deal with guilt?

I deal with guilt by making glorious promises to myself of how I’m going to change my ways in the future. It’s this grand fantasy of righting my past wrongs and restoring the universe’s energy to equilibrium by doing some good deed. I think I typically make these plans and then feel good about myself so I forget before I actually accomplish anything. I guess it helps.

42. Who is your family ("your people")?

My family is the friends I know from camp. I go to YMA, an arts camp, and being in an atmosphere of people who appreciate and understand everyone’s differences feels really good. They are my family because they truly understand art. They are my family because in that world, everyone is special and fascinating and equally important. That is the atmosphere that I want to live in always.

43. What is the source of your power?

The source of my power is in my confidence. I am confident that my art is legitimate and that I am legitimate, and I think people see that and take me seriously (although the secret is that whether they take me seriously does not impact my view of myself even one iota). When I think I can do something, I do it and I go go go until I am done. I am unstoppable.

44. What is sacred to you?

What is most sacred to me is all things that are simply meant to be. Ideas that I value are fairness, equality, art, nature, simplicity, actualization of dreams, nakedness, water; All things that help the universe achieve perfection. Some things just have to be a certain way.

45. What is worthy of your respect?

I respect people’s passionate accomplishments above all. I am attracted to people who devote their energy to a project until it is done, and have high standards for themselves as a creator.

After this assignment, I guess the single person who knows be the best is Todd. Huh.