On Bridget: (Part 1, I assume)

Today, while perched on a rock wall on Cornell campus, I had an elementarily enlightening conversation about Bridget's many communication tics with Elizabeth. Elizabeth was able to give me a lot of valuable clues about Bridget's growth factors, but also reaffirmed by omission my suspicion that deconstructing the enigma of Bridget is bound to be a tedious process.

The night is now old and Bridget has broken down crying in a resurgence of many regrets that I unfortunately cannot comprehend fully because I wasn't entirely listening, so a more detailed deconstruction of Bridget's many vices will be a later entry. A few themes I have extracted follow:

• Being treated less legitimately as a woman
• A childhood of being ignored
• Self-fulfilling communication techniques that make people treat her in a way that fuels the need for defense mechanisms
• An inability to either listen to or remember the sentiments of others, or a complicated blend of both
• Living in a place that is not culturally diverse (not sure about the details of her residences)
• Being white

I am also forced to wonder how exceptional this current situation is--Elizabeth breaking down the ways in which Bridget's communication styles are damaging, and if this has been a long time coming and has erupted on the second day of this trip out of coincidence or triggering, or if my presence (and possibly illuminating input) has been a catalyst to incite this intervention.

Engraver

Drugs for Positive Change

I did some research about the use of Shrooms and LSD as therapy for addiction and anxiety and am excited and comforted to hear about stories of other individuals who have had perspective-changing experiences with the use of drugs similar to mine. In a controlled study (other details unknown at the moment), a single session with psychedelic drugs helped patients overcome cigarette addiction, anxiety, and depression. A single session! In one interview, a woman whose 15-year cigarette addiction was cured permanently by one session of LSD use described how the experience showed her things she didn't know about herself and opened her point of view. In a more juvenile, underdeveloped way, this is the same sensations I have felt from my very few session of Adderall use, and a bit less but also in my use of Marijuana. A few weeks ago, I adopted the communication systems of Radical Honesty, Nonviolent Communication, and Removing Blocks to Listening in a sleepless night of Adderall-induced research mania and the way I view my social identity and the way I interact with people have changed significantly, for the better.

As for the part of these epiphanies that is custom for me to focus on in general, I have few ideas of the reason these drugs can cause such seemingly substantial perspective shifts. Since this examination of myself as a communicator is so broad and deep, I predict I will understand the "why" factor I am typically so motivated to determine at a day later than this one. I am currently finishing this entry (late, by the way) while bouyed in a draining conversation between Elizabeth and her Mother about the very topic. As a result, I feel like I could not make any steps forward in discovering the "why" no matter how hard I tried. Another time then.

Engraver

Some Categorizations

I started my first day of Radical Honesty (RH) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC). As I write, I am having a clumsily-executed NVC conversation with Ricky about his communication styles, in particular the harboring of resentment toward me and the need for validation that I am incapable of and averse to giving. It's going terribly.

Four instances of lying today; this morning, I used a Placation on Moya, saying "it's fine" that she printed out copies of an old score even though I told her that I wanted to edit it. My truth was that I was annoyed that she didn't listen to me and I was annoyed that she was annoyed that I didn't say something before, even though I remember that I did. I thought about alternatives to "It's fine" that are less prone to be lies, like "Oh", "I see", and "Okay" (a monotone "okay", not to be confused with the happier accepting "okay!").

Later this morning, I placated Lucy with a comment about how I was "pretty sure" I said Malala and not her phantom "Mahala". I wasn't pretty sure. I was certain. Both of these Placations were used to avoid a confrontation, though both confrontations would have been minute.

The third lie was an example of Storytelling. I mentioned that I live close to Red Sauce Pizza (true) and that I had once called them and asked for delivery, and they refused (false). I did this to get attention.

The last lie I told was only an hour ago at 8:10, when I explicitly told my mother that I hadn't been taking Adderall. I corrected this lie a few minutes later and it made me feel uncomfortable to address it. This lie was an example of "Covering your ass" (clinical-sounding name on the way, I swear). This technique is used to avoid embarrassment or incrimination.

Also today, I had an experience in which I could have used NVC and didn't, and now I regret it. It makes me feel sad to think about the experience, especially since I had so many chances to say something and I didn't, so I don't think I will recount the situation today. I will be forever kicking myself for not using this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bust out some pro-level conflict resolution. Oh well.

Method of lying	Use	Impact on relationships
Placation	Used to avoid confrontation	Harbors resentment, interactives have a warped sense of what you value
Storytelling	Used to inflate ego, get attention, gain credibility	Creates insincerity in relationships, adds barrier between honest connection
Covering your ass	Used to avoid embarrassment or incrimination	Deprives interactives of witnessing and understanding your vulnerabilities and insecurities

Engraver