Kelso's Choice

When I was in kindergarten, we spent a long time learning about conflict resolution. If two students had a disagreement, there was protocol. You could of course try the 'Make a Deal' solution, one that usually felt mature and cool to execute properly, or the popular 'Tell Them To Stop' (because if they then didn't, you could get them in TROUBLE), or my favorite, the 'Go To Another Game' (with optional blowing of hair out of face and then making a big show about how this new game was vastly superior and that other game was last week's trash). Our options were clear. We even had a wheel diagram as a reminder because in grade school, circles=learning:

For those hard of reading, you can see the exaggerated actions of our role model Kelso The Frog. The idea was that if there was ever a problem, we would try one of the strategies that worked for Kelso. If that didn't work, we were supposed to try another one, and another until we had 40°ed our way through the problem. If we got through the whole wheel, it was time to tell a teacher. Genius, right? Even though the conflicts we had then were miniscule, the lesson was important.

As things progressed, we slowly forgot about Kelso. Once we all got to middle school, we usually cried until a teacher stepped in and took our side, or maybe subtweeted the other person. It was never really a problem, though, because in middle school our priorities were all wrong.

These days it seems like Kelso and his wise demonstrations are forgotten completely. For high schoolers, personal conflict is a daily. Of course, some options like 'Share and Take Turns' or 'Go To Another Game' aren't exactly relevant anymore, but even tried-and-true classics like 'Ignore It' and 'Walk Away' and 'Apologize' are absent from a teenager's problem-solving vocabulary. I personally reference the wheel all the time and I'm not quite sure why my peers don't.

From my experience in high school, the wheel has evolved a little:

As you can see, there are now only four options: 'Gossip', 'Steal Their Shit', 'Emo Tumblr Post', and 'Panic Attack'. I haven't seen one of these hanging up in the hall like I used to, but I'm certain everyone else must have a wallet-sized version that they refer to because these four solutions ("solutions") are actually the only ways teenagers try to solve their problems.

But I have to admit, high school conflict can be confusing and scary and sometimes there doesn't seem to be a "right" option. Starting vicious rumors about a person who hurt your feelings is much easier (not to mention much more fun) than working out the problem and you'll just move on to another spat tomorrow anyway.

So I've decided that I'm done with high school drama. There's always a solution, even if it's not in plain sight. 

I've created a much more effective wheel for my fellow high schoolers who find themself in a conflict. It should efficiently solve any and every teenage conflict that could possibly exist.

Engraver