On Bridget: (Part 1, I assume)

Today, while perched on a rock wall on Cornell campus, I had an elementarily enlightening conversation about Bridget's many communication tics with Elizabeth. Elizabeth was able to give me a lot of valuable clues about Bridget's growth factors, but also reaffirmed by omission my suspicion that deconstructing the enigma of Bridget is bound to be a tedious process.

The night is now old and Bridget has broken down crying in a resurgence of many regrets that I unfortunately cannot comprehend fully because I wasn't entirely listening, so a more detailed deconstruction of Bridget's many vices will be a later entry. A few themes I have extracted follow:

• Being treated less legitimately as a woman
• A childhood of being ignored
• Self-fulfilling communication techniques that make people treat her in a way that fuels the need for defense mechanisms
• An inability to either listen to or remember the sentiments of others, or a complicated blend of both
• Living in a place that is not culturally diverse (not sure about the details of her residences)
• Being white

I am also forced to wonder how exceptional this current situation is--Elizabeth breaking down the ways in which Bridget's communication styles are damaging, and if this has been a long time coming and has erupted on the second day of this trip out of coincidence or triggering, or if my presence (and possibly illuminating input) has been a catalyst to incite this intervention.

Engraver

Drugs for Positive Change

I did some research about the use of Shrooms and LSD as therapy for addiction and anxiety and am excited and comforted to hear about stories of other individuals who have had perspective-changing experiences with the use of drugs similar to mine. In a controlled study (other details unknown at the moment), a single session with psychedelic drugs helped patients overcome cigarette addiction, anxiety, and depression. A single session! In one interview, a woman whose 15-year cigarette addiction was cured permanently by one session of LSD use described how the experience showed her things she didn't know about herself and opened her point of view. In a more juvenile, underdeveloped way, this is the same sensations I have felt from my very few session of Adderall use, and a bit less but also in my use of Marijuana. A few weeks ago, I adopted the communication systems of Radical Honesty, Nonviolent Communication, and Removing Blocks to Listening in a sleepless night of Adderall-induced research mania and the way I view my social identity and the way I interact with people have changed significantly, for the better.

As for the part of these epiphanies that is custom for me to focus on in general, I have few ideas of the reason these drugs can cause such seemingly substantial perspective shifts. Since this examination of myself as a communicator is so broad and deep, I predict I will understand the "why" factor I am typically so motivated to determine at a day later than this one. I am currently finishing this entry (late, by the way) while bouyed in a draining conversation between Elizabeth and her Mother about the very topic. As a result, I feel like I could not make any steps forward in discovering the "why" no matter how hard I tried. Another time then.

Engraver

Some Categorizations

I started my first day of Radical Honesty (RH) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC). As I write, I am having a clumsily-executed NVC conversation with Ricky about his communication styles, in particular the harboring of resentment toward me and the need for validation that I am incapable of and averse to giving. It's going terribly.

Four instances of lying today; this morning, I used a Placation on Moya, saying "it's fine" that she printed out copies of an old score even though I told her that I wanted to edit it. My truth was that I was annoyed that she didn't listen to me and I was annoyed that she was annoyed that I didn't say something before, even though I remember that I did. I thought about alternatives to "It's fine" that are less prone to be lies, like "Oh", "I see", and "Okay" (a monotone "okay", not to be confused with the happier accepting "okay!").

Later this morning, I placated Lucy with a comment about how I was "pretty sure" I said Malala and not her phantom "Mahala". I wasn't pretty sure. I was certain. Both of these Placations were used to avoid a confrontation, though both confrontations would have been minute.

The third lie was an example of Storytelling. I mentioned that I live close to Red Sauce Pizza (true) and that I had once called them and asked for delivery, and they refused (false). I did this to get attention.

The last lie I told was only an hour ago at 8:10, when I explicitly told my mother that I hadn't been taking Adderall. I corrected this lie a few minutes later and it made me feel uncomfortable to address it. This lie was an example of "Covering your ass" (clinical-sounding name on the way, I swear). This technique is used to avoid embarrassment or incrimination.

Also today, I had an experience in which I could have used NVC and didn't, and now I regret it. It makes me feel sad to think about the experience, especially since I had so many chances to say something and I didn't, so I don't think I will recount the situation today. I will be forever kicking myself for not using this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bust out some pro-level conflict resolution. Oh well.

Method of lying	Use	Impact on relationships
Placation	Used to avoid confrontation	Harbors resentment, interactives have a warped sense of what you value
Storytelling	Used to inflate ego, get attention, gain credibility	Creates insincerity in relationships, adds barrier between honest connection
Covering your ass	Used to avoid embarrassment or incrimination	Deprives interactives of witnessing and understanding your vulnerabilities and insecurities

Engraver

The Leaky Library

Books and water do not go together.

It's a struggle against nature, a battle of wits that seems petty in theory, but in practice resembles the urgency and aggression of a battle among humans. The water pours from the sky, as it does in the wonderfully wet city of Portland, and the hundred-year-old ceilings of Grant High School are no match for Mother Nature's storms. She relentlessly barrages the campus and the only roof that cannot withstand her tears is the library. The precious, precious library.

If one were to remove all of the library's books, it might look a lot like a place for prostitutes to stand in a line, each pleading with their eyes to be picked. The asbestos-laced foam ceiling tiles are falling off in four different places, each gash revealing soggy molding insulation and rotting wood. Once fall begins, the dripping is eternal and new puddle forms every week. At several "capture stations", repurposed recycling bins are set on bookshelves, with makeshift gutters made from torn plastic bags and duct tape to cover a wider area. Each bin has an emphatic sign printed on pink paper informing students that the bins are for the sole purpose of catching rain, and that they are not for garbage. Of course, students don't listen (big surprise) and each of the bins, along with an afterbirth of dirty rainwater, also has a treasure chest's worth of trash, recyclable and not. These days you can't walk to the nonfiction section without making a detour to accommodate a congregation of five-gallon buckets, each of which must be emptied each day to make room for more rain.

If  a night is particularly wet, the librarians (Ms. Battle and Ms. X) march into their manicured library and throw their bags right on the floor, ready to attempt to prevent the most amount of damage to their ancient, underfunded book supply. They call up the entire janitorial service who gets right to work bringing in buckets and tape and buckets and tape. The move the wet floor signs from the heavily-trafficked center hall to the library as soon as first period starts. They carry in every single ladder Grant has to offer. I repeat, they carry in both of Grant's ladders. If a new wet spot has formed, it is treated with an air of emergency like a live birth of a baby with four arms. At lightning speed, books are bucket-brigaded away from the deadly water faster than children from a burning orphanage. Ms. Battle screams bloody murder as she watches her precious children being destroyed by nature's evil force ("They're already wet. They're already wet!"). It is an ordeal.

It pains me to know that my entire chance at learning hinges on whether the thunderstorm comes during the weekend. It instantaneously triggers my well-worn fantasy of later becoming rich and famous and buying our two excellent librarians all the books, computers, and ceiling tiles they could ever need. Of course, by ease instead of choice, by the time I'm rich the library will most likely have evolved into Grant's second pool.

And as I sit here and attempt to learn, I find it's easier to write about the leaky library tragedy. It's only my opinion and that isn't worth much, but I do think public school students have a right to check out a book without being subjected to Chinese water torture.


Engraver

Let's Get Intimate

Musical update: Trisha has informed me that she would not like to try to work with me while she is being distracted the the production she is currently directing, As You Like It (but like. cool). We're going to reconvene halfway through November. I feel like I might be sad about that, but I also feel happy that she is doing what's best for us and giving me her respect by devoting all of her energy to me once she can. More updates coming in turkey month, I suppose.

So let's get intimate. Trisha Todd's first assignment of the year in Writing For The Arts is the forebodingly titled Intimacy Questions. It was a really difficult assignment and I'm so glad I had to do it. Out of 46 questions, here are the ones I really liked, along with my answers.

1. What is the meaning of life?

The meaning of life for me is creation. A life lived where the world looks the same before as after is pointless. The act of creating something is fulfilling and holy and the second step from existing, which is a passive act. When I create something it reaffirms that I am a person with free will instead of an object.

6. What would you never do?

I would never stay the same. Nothing sounds worse to me than fast-forwarding ten years to see myself as the same person. I don’t ever want to look back and think about all my missed opportunities. I want to look back and regret the things I did do, not the things I didn’t, because I know the things I regret doing will only happen once, but the opportunities I didn’t take will always haunt me.

9. What do you look for in a person?

I have this whole list of requirements that people have to fit to be on “my team” (attributes like Helpful, Productive, Open-Minded, Independent, Reasonable) but when it really comes down to it the deciding factor is kindness. I choose my allies with the make-or-break question being whether they respect fellow humans and apologize. A person unwilling to admit that they were wrong is my least favorite person, and my least favorite side of myself.

10. What is your relationship with animals?

I have a difficult relationship with animals. I used to scoff at vegetarians for being pompous, but recently I’ve actually completely switched sides onto total support for vegetarianism but haven’t been able to make the change myself. I believe that humans are meant to eat animals but the way that meat is made in factories is terrible and inhumane. I have no qualms eating a pig that lived on a farm and ate real grass and was named Maaco but sadly the availability of that kind of meat is almost nonexistent. So in theory, I’m all with giving up meat forever. I know it sounds lazy, but the society I live in makes vegetarian too hard for me. Meat is just too yummy. Maybe someday I’ll switch but for now I bite off the hamburger and try to think about things other than murder.

12. How satisfied are you with your sexuality?

I would say I am satisfied. I spent a lot of time last year having sex because it made me feel mature and in control. I think I’m over that but it was important for my understanding of myself. Other people seem to think that my sexual orientation is a bigger part of me than it really is. The only part of that that even a little defines me is my experience with oppression and stereotypes and it gives me better empathy for people in oppressed groups that I am not a part of. Right now I have a smart, kind, and sexy boyfriend and that is working out very well physically.

13. What are your regrets?

I always wish that I had accomplished more. More, in a better quality, and at a faster rate. I think half of me also knows that my accomplishments thus far are awesome, but I seem to be really good at looking back and only seeing the should-haves and the why-didn’t-Is. I’d like to gauge my progress on a scale of the best I possibly could have done to the worst I possibly could have done, but that type of computing is sadly beyond this realm. Maybe whatever I’ve accomplished so far actually is the best of all possible worlds but of course I wish I could have done more. I do often think about what my mark would be were I to die today, which is strangely a super effective motivational tool.

16. How do you value money?

I don’t know how I value money. I have a recurring thought (laced with arrogance and selfishness, but painfully prevalent) that I have more of a right to be rich than other people and that the world will give me wealth simply because I am the most qualified for such a situation and I will use money more effectively and justly than everyone else. I guess this isn’t true but it certainly would be nice. I have a dream of having a job that I am passionate about and being good at it to the point of admiration and riches but I’d like to be a composer, so my mom tells me that’s not a realistic goal.

19. By what force are you neglected/oppressed/misunderstood?

I feel neglected by the school system. I guess I think I’m pretty different from most people in my thought processes and ideas (even though we all think that). The way children are supposed to learn is good in theory, but the truth is that everyone’s brain functions at a drastically different wavelength and pace and expecting every child in the country to learn the same thing in the same way at the same time is a fantasy. I feel oppressed by that system and I feel oppressed on behalf of students who are much more isolated and neglected by schools than me. School isn’t even about learning anymore. It’s a game.

21. What do you look for in a teacher?

I need my teachers to be smarter than me. No bullshit, I’m pretty smart. After ice skating through elementary school as the smartest adult in all my classes I learned what it meant to be truly taught something in middle school. My “core” teacher was a sassy and playful guy who really knew what he was talking about and outsmarted me at every turn. I never corrected his spelling on the board once in three years ( the only. teacher to ever accomplish that). It was threatening and exciting. Since then, I’ve have a small handful of teachers who I consider to be on my level, almost none of them from school (no surprise), and I find that by far to be the best. I love my teachers who tell me when I’m wrong (or, the real feat, ever seeing me be wrong) because I love to grow.

24. How do you want to die?

I don’t want to live to be 80. Once I stop being productive, that’s all folks. I will NOT be useless as any point of my life. I don’t know why “happy suicide” is not a thing that exists, but I will darn well invent it. Suicide shouldn’t be illegal in the circumstance that I am going to use it: My creating days are over and I’ve had a genuinely happy life, so I want to end it while I’m still golden. Anyway, there’s more fame if you die while you’re still a big name.

31. Who/what do you wage war against?

I wage war against art erasure. I will fight until I live in a world that values arts and sports equally (at least), and every city has a public arts-focused middle and high school. Exposure to the arts at a young age makes more cultured, creative, open-minded, confident, and smart individuals. It teaches us empathy. Art is vitally important and I wage war against anyone who disagrees.

36. What do you fear?

I fear not reaching my full potential. I am certain my dying regret will be that I didn’t maximize the usage of my resources to create. I am obsessed with thinking about my stain on the world and how far along I could be right now if I had only played my cards a little smarter. I wish that everything I am capable of creating, I do.

39. How do you deal with guilt?

I deal with guilt by making glorious promises to myself of how I’m going to change my ways in the future. It’s this grand fantasy of righting my past wrongs and restoring the universe’s energy to equilibrium by doing some good deed. I think I typically make these plans and then feel good about myself so I forget before I actually accomplish anything. I guess it helps.

42. Who is your family ("your people")?

My family is the friends I know from camp. I go to YMA, an arts camp, and being in an atmosphere of people who appreciate and understand everyone’s differences feels really good. They are my family because they truly understand art. They are my family because in that world, everyone is special and fascinating and equally important. That is the atmosphere that I want to live in always.

43. What is the source of your power?

The source of my power is in my confidence. I am confident that my art is legitimate and that I am legitimate, and I think people see that and take me seriously (although the secret is that whether they take me seriously does not impact my view of myself even one iota). When I think I can do something, I do it and I go go go until I am done. I am unstoppable.

44. What is sacred to you?

What is most sacred to me is all things that are simply meant to be. Ideas that I value are fairness, equality, art, nature, simplicity, actualization of dreams, nakedness, water; All things that help the universe achieve perfection. Some things just have to be a certain way.

45. What is worthy of your respect?

I respect people’s passionate accomplishments above all. I am attracted to people who devote their energy to a project until it is done, and have high standards for themselves as a creator.

After this assignment, I guess the single person who knows be the best is Todd. Huh.

Let's Do My Musical

Last week I made the first move.

With an inspirational muttering to myself (something like "let's improvise") I walked up to Trisha Todd after class and told her the entire deal. I was a nervous mess so all the points were out of order, but the information I relayed was as follows:

• I am currently writing the libretto, lyrics, and music for a musical
• I think it's good
• I'm almost finished
• I want you to help me edit/finish it
• I want it performed at Grant

What is the first step?

It was hard because I was asking so many things of her at once: I was asking her to trust that it actually was good, I was asking her to commit to helping me even before she saw any of the project, and I was asking her to either produce it on the Grant stage or reject me (either option being a whole lot of work).

I was very proud of myself for on-the-spot coming up with my actual question: What is the first step. It made this project seem a lot more manageable to just start with the first baby step, I'm sure for the both of us.

Todd told me to show her a summary and play some of the music. It was awesome. If everything works out, we'll get this baby done and in the process become best friends forever. The future looks good.

Engraver

Circumcision

With the uncovering of the injustice of racism, homophobia, and the gender binary, I'm surprised that the issue of male circumcision hasn't come to light. I am against circumcision (not counting voluntary circumcision as an adult) and I am confused why anyone isn't.

Basically, when an XY child is born, the parents get to make a decision; Whether to circumcise or not. When the baby is circumcised, its foreskin is removed in a safe medical procedure. About 8/10 penises in USA are circumcised, and 3/10 in the whole world.

There are several reasons one might circumcise their child and I'm about to explain why each one is stupid. "It's more hygienic and smells better that way." Not true. To clean the head of an uncircumcised penis, there are two steps: Pull back the foreskin, and rinse. The foreskin actually helps the penis stay cleaner by protecting it from dirt and bacteria. "It looks better that way." Well that's dumb. Obviously butt implants make a person's ass look better but it's not like I'm going to send in my baby to surgery to get that big booty. Your personal preference does not give you the right to cut off part of your baby, right? There's no way that logic flies, right? There's no reason circumcision needs to still exist, right?

But sadly, the most common reason to circumcise is tradition. "His dad's circumcised, so he should be too." Wrong! Genital mutilation is not genetic!

So here are the benefits of foreskin. Under the foreskin is a mucus membrane (wet all the time) and that mucus keeps the head of the penis safe and protected and cozy in its little blankie. When you cut it off, the head of the penis becomes desensitized and dry, which makes it very vulnerable and actually lessens sexual pleasure.

The most obvious disclaimer of all, I certainly hope, is that a baby is unable to give consent. Basically, if you circumcise your child you are literally cutting off a part of their body before they are able to talk. You solely are making the decision that they don't get to have a foreskin even if they want one. Why? WHy do wE DO ThiS! If a parent were to get their newborn's ears pierced they would be faced with all kinds of judgment and a knock on the door from Child Services, but when it comes to chopping of parts of penises (an action that is more painful and much more permanent) nobody blinks an eye.

Please do not do this to your child. Please just let your poor kid's penis be. Mother nature knows what she's doing.

Engraver